“Just because trauma ended up making me take steps to become a better person doesn’t mean it couldn’t have made my life turn out for the worst. Anyone whose life isn’t more beautiful post-trauma, isn’t necessarily ‘doing it wrong’. Trauma didn’t exist to make you better. It existed to kill you”.
Healing is not linear, it is a process. You have to consciously be intentional, make effort and take practical steps to heal, otherwise you will walk around with suppressed wounds or live in denial lying to yourself that you are healed, when you never healed. Time doesn’t heal wounds, it is how you nurse the wound. There is a misconception that many people have, they believe that when people say Christians are ought to forgive, it means that they have to suppress their wounds, however it doesn’t mean that. You can feel wounded, give it to God and nurse the wound, whilst not holding ill feelings towards the person or seeking to revenge. If you have gone through abuse please intentionally wake up everyday with the goal to heal. Complete healing is possible and you deserve healing. Do not rush your healing process, it’s okay to take your time.
There is being hurt and then there is trauma. Trauma is a different ball game all together, it’s experiencing hurt in an extremely deeply distressing and disturbing way. When people have been traumatised it is seriously damaging to everything about them especially their psyche (minds). From the psyche stems how people view themselves, their thinking patterns, their lifetime beliefs, the natural flow of thoughts etc. As humans we were never designed to go through the intense levels of pain trauma incites, but because of sin people experience trauma and then the way they are designed to function by God is distorted. After abuse the trauma needs healing, your broken mind needs healing, your broken heart needs healing and your broken self esteem needs healing. Your perception of God also needs healing, because not having a good relationship with your earthly father sets the precedence of how people view their spiritual father God.
Abusive people groom you to gradually destroy you. After narcissistic abuse, you are left in a place you have to fight to get up from for a long time. This is because it wasn’t a friendship or a relationship, but actually a spiritual attack from the devil on your identity and destiny. A human being was used to accommodate a demonic spirit and help it to carry out an assignment against you. If you have gone through narcissistic abuse, please fight back the projected low self esteem, shame, depression, trauma etc. I have seen beautiful women and handsome men with so much potential, being robbed permanently of who they were and becoming who they never were, because they had been stripped and then paralysed so much through abuse.
“We are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed; perplexed, but not in despair; persecuted, but not abandoned; struck down, but not destroyed. We always carry around in our body the death of Jesus, so that the life of Jesus may also be revealed in our body” (2 Corinthians 4:8-10)
The area of relationships is a serious war zone, especially when you have a specific calling, because the devil knows that once he yokes you with the wrong people there is either serious delay concerning fulfilling your purpose or you are completely detoured from completing it your entire life. Please be very careful of counterfeits. A lot of us have a something is better than nothing mentality, so we get booed up with just anybody, because we don’t want to wait on God. However, when you have a specific purpose your life is tied to other people’s lives and destinies, you can’t afford to just date anybody. Your future children are also depending on you making the right choices in your single season, they deserve to not be birthed into dysfunction and chaos. When we are wounded, we don’t necessarily make the right choices that are favourable to us, because of our trauma driven beliefs. A lot of people end up with serious regrets over this, later on, which is a breeding ground for depression and hopelessness. However, please forgive yourself and give it all to God so that he can use it.
A lot of people think they are above abuse. They don’t understand you are groomed – abusive people always start as the most pleasant people there is. Abuse always start as subtle emotional abuse, which is the hardest type of abuse to pick up, because manipulation is very complex and your mind is in denial for a while and just can’t register and accept that the person who I trust and is meant to be intimately loving me, is also abusing me. A lot of abuse survivors are also ashamed to admit they were abused, because they think people will view them as weak etc. But you just have a big pure heart. If you had dated a mentally stable person, it would never have been taken advantage of. Some people also don’t talk about their experiences, because it would require them to also be transparent about who abused them. Offwhich the abusive person is always nice to everybody and someone everyone doesn’t expect, so there is a possibility of people denying your experience which can re-traumatise a person. But God sees all and he is a fair judge. The bible promised us that we would have trouble such as this. “I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world.” (John 16:33)
“We rejoice in our sufferings, knowing that suffering produces endurance & endurance produces character & character produces hope & hope does not put us to shame” (Romans 5:3-4)
MY HEALING PROCESS
“I have loved you with an everlasting love” (Jeremiah 31:3)
When you have been wounded, please pause and take time to process the pain and heal. Don’t repress the wounds and carry on like nothing happened, because repressed wounds will cause bitterness to fester. I have seen people living their lives still trying to prove a point to people that hurt them all the way in 5th grade or a lover that rejected them years and years ago. Some people post certain things on social media “flexing”, want to achieve certain things or move on too quickly and get married too quickly after a failed relationship, just because they are trying to prove to the people that hurt them in the past they made a mistake or they are “enough”. It’s unnecessary bondage. God is a healer and he wants to thoroughly heal us, so that we can move on, you don’t have to be stuck in the past.
There are so many practical steps that you can take to heal, however ultimately the truth is when you look at the wounds that trauma causes, especially if you experienced deep trauma, from my perspective it is impossible to heal using the wisdom of this world only. It is only God that can heal you. It is only divine, supernatural healing that can completely restore you. I had deep father and mother wounds and trauma that God healed me of. Patched up wounds cannot suffice. A lot of people have patched up wounds, but they haven’t healed completely. Just, because you put a bandaid on a wound and neglected it doesn’t mean it healed. Wounds need to constantly be nurtured in so many different ways until they have fully healed. When you have childhood wounds you need to seriously deal with the spirit of rejection as well. You need to renounce any agreement you made with this spirit and get delivered. You will know you have healed, when you no longer have triggers or constantly ruminate on the past. The story of Joseph is one of my favourites concerning how to handle people who wounded us and our past hurts.
Joseph called the name of his firstborn Manasseh which means “for God, has made me forget all my trouble and hardship, and all the sorrow of the loss of my father’s household.” All the ugly words, mean actions and pain others caused him were forgotten. God’s healing power is so potent, he will cause you to forget.
• INTIMACY WITH THE HOLY SPIRIT
The Holy Spirit is the greatest comforter and counsellor. When I was going through my healing process, I would go to my secret place and welcome the Holy Spirit and be still, removing all distractions. I would speak to the Holy Spirit and tell him what I had been through that hurt me. I would ask him to bind up my wounds, fill my voids until I’m whole and loose me from the memories of the trauma. When I finished I would close my eyes and wait for him to speak back. A lot of times I would feel his presence so thick. Sometimes he would speak back to me and I would see a vision or a symbol that would comfort me. Sometimes the Holy Spirit would drop a song in my heart and I would sing it and cry. Sometimes I would fall asleep in my secret place, but one thing for certain is that, with each session I had with the Holy Spirit. I would get up from that place feeling better than I was before. The Holy Spirit cares for you and he wants to heal you.
• SOAK IN GOD’S LOVE
Receive God’s love. Receiving God’s love is key. A lot of people sing songs about God’s love and tell other people God loves them, but how many of us actually know what it means and believe it? God’s love is described as an ocean, it’s in excess. God actually desires to heal our wounds and take our pain and hurt from us. We should have gone to the cross, but Jesus went for us. Do you know how much love somebody has to have for you, to wish they could take your pain or suffering from you and then actually do it? It doesn’t matter if those people didn’t care enough. This is the best love to experience. Soak in it. God loves us just like his son. There is nothing that you can do that can make him love you less. Please mediate on these verses on God’s love for you day and night. Until you are fully convinced of God’s love for you – Psalm 36:7, 1 John 3:1, 1 John 4:16, Jeremiah 31:3, Jeremiah 29:11, 1 Corinthians 13:4-8, John 3:16, John 15: 9-17, Psalms 86:5, Psalms 86:15, Psalms 136:26, Romans 5:8, Deuteronomy 7:9, Zephaniah 3:17, Ephesians 2: 4-5, 1 Peter 5:6-7, Romans 8: 37-39.
• TALK TO FAMILY & FRIENDS
Wounds need to be exposed to heal. Any wound that is hidden the devil will always have a hold on it and use it for his own purposes. Talk about what you went through to your trusted close family and loved ones, because it is a very effective and a therapeutic way of release.
• GO FOR THERAPY & COUNSELLING
Personally I think this is extremely important, especially Christian therapy and counselling. If you can afford it and have the time, please seek professional help. Talking to your family and friends is very helpful. However therapists and counsellors are trained to specifically deal with trauma in an efficacious way.
• SHUT THE MOCKING SPIRIT
God put so much weight in words to the extent where he said life and death was found in the power of words. There are people who released careless words to other people and those people’s spirits were crushed. Sometimes these words were said, many years ago. That is why the bible constantly tells us to bridle our tongues and season our words with salt. When we speak to people we just don’t speak to their physical bodies, we also speak to their soul, the mind can forget, but the soul never forgets, impressions of hurt are made on our souls. The hurtful words abusers release to people keep on replaying in the people’s subconscious, as a mocking spirit and it persecutes them wherever they go. However, what people said about you or how they treated you has nothing to do with you. Please counteract the words of demons with God’s word. Read affirming words of what God thinks about you and believe the truth in it. Don’t just read it, mediate on it. Meditating on God’s word is important, because it hides the word on your heart. Verses that talk about your self worth in Christ are found in – Isaiah 43:4, Psalms 139:13-15, Luke 12:6-7, Genesis 1:27, Ephesians 1:4-6, Song of Solomon 4:7, Psalm 100:3, Romans 5:8, Psalm 27:10, Proverbs 31:25, 1 Peter 2:9.
• BE KIND TO YOURSELF
The enemy loves to threaten our identity through abusive people. In abusive relationships there is silent treatment, belittling, invalidation of feelings or you are completely ignored, gaslighting, domestic violence etc. People who internalize the cruel treatment are taught subconsciously to also not be kind to themselves. When you have lived most of your life being mishandled, your mind will start working against you and accept this as the norm. However, you are precious, please take care of yourself and do things that make you happy. Do not self hate or self reject, by choosing narcissists as friends and lovers.
• DO NOT LIVE IN ISOLATION
Trauma survivors tend to live in isolation and this is a pitfall, because when they are alone their minds go into overdrive replaying the traumatic experiences which gives room to the devil. There is a reason why God created family, neighbours, a church community etc. Otherwise if he wanted us to live in isolation, we would have been created on an island of our own. Stay engaged and interact with other people. Do some outdoorsy activities and avoid obsessively reliving the traumatic scenarios alone.
• PRAY FOR THOSE WHO HURT YOU
The bible instructs us in Luke 6:38 that we should “bless those who curse us and pray for those who mistreat us”. Please ask God to shine his light on the lost people’s paths, so that one day they will experience his love that softens hearts and they will stop the cycle of damaging others. Praying for people that hurt you will help you to release them completely and also help you to grow in Christ. Who doesn’t want a heart just like his?
• READ BOOKS ON HEALING
During my healing process, I read a couple of books which were :
Healing Your Past – Dr Faith Wokoma
Healing From Hidden Abuse – Shannon Thomas
Complex PTSD – Pete Walk
Why Does He Do That? Inside the Minds Of Angry & Controlling Men – Lundy Bancroft
Adult Children Of Emotionally Immature Parents – Lindsay Gibson
Psychopath Free – Jackson Mackenzie
Will I Ever Be Good Enough – Healing Daughters Of Narcissistic Mothers – Karyl Mcbride
You Are Not Crazy It’s Your Mother – Danu Morrigan
Covert Narcissism – Louisa Cox
Healing The Scars Of Emotional Abuse – Gregory lantz
The Covert Passive Aggressive Narcissist – Debbie Mizra
Mothers Who Can’t Love: A Healing Guide For Daughters – Susan Forward
I also listened to a lot of comforting gospel music. I have a long playlist on healing that I compiled however the songs I listened to the most were Eddie James – Breathe, Jonathan McReynolds – Loving Me and Benjamin Dube – Through It All.
“You intended to harm me, but God intended it all for good. He brought me to this position so I could save the lives of many people” (Genesis 50:20).
God Bless You