HEALING THE WOUNDED SOUL FROM CHILDHOOD WOUNDS & NARCISSISTIC ABUSE

Jehovah Elroi – The God Who Sees The Afflicted

Healing is not linear, it is a process. You have to consciously be intentional, make effort and take practical steps to heal, otherwise you will walk around with suppressed wounds or live in denial lying to yourself that you are healed, when you never healed. Time doesn’t heal wounds, it is how you nurse the wound. There is a misconception that many people have, they believe that when people say Christians are ought to forgive, it means that they have to suppress their wounds, however it doesn’t mean that. You can feel wounded, give it to God and nurse the wound, whilst not holding ill feelings towards the person or seeking to revenge. If you have gone through abuse please intentionally wake up everyday with the goal to heal. Complete healing is possible and you deserve healing. Do not rush your healing process, it’s okay to take your time.

There is being hurt and then there is trauma. Trauma is a different ball game all together, it’s experiencing hurt in an extremely deeply distressing and disturbing way. When people have been traumatised it is seriously damaging to everything about them especially their psyche (minds). From the psyche stems how people view themselves, their thinking patterns, their lifetime beliefs, the natural flow of thoughts etc. As humans we were never designed to go through the intense levels of pain trauma incites, but because of sin people experience trauma and then the way they are designed to function by God is distorted. After abuse the trauma needs healing, your broken mind needs healing, your broken heart needs healing and your broken self esteem needs healing. Your perception of God also needs healing, because not having a good relationship with your earthly father sets the precedence of how people view their spiritual father God.

Abusive people groom you to gradually destroy you. After narcissistic abuse, you are left in a place you have to fight to get up from for a long time. This is because it wasn’t a friendship or a relationship, but actually a spiritual attack from the devil on your identity and destiny. A human being was used to accommodate a demonic spirit and help it to carry out an assignment against you. If you have gone through narcissistic abuse, please fight back the projected low self esteem, shame, depression, trauma etc. I have seen beautiful women and handsome men with so much potential, being robbed permanently of who they were and becoming who they never were, because they had been stripped and then paralysed so much through abuse.

HOW ABUSE CHANGED ME FOR THE BETTER

The things that I went through, showed me the distinct difference between humans and God. Sometimes those lines are blurred, however I realised how impure the human heart can be regardless of how “close” someone is to us and I also realised how pure God’s heart consistently is instead regardless of how far away we can choose to be from him. It taught me to learn to make God my best friend and to completely depend on him. Personally I don’t have any grain in me that wants to be vengeful to the whole of humanity, just because some people rejected or abused me. I don’t even want pity parties neither. I received the spirit of adoption (Romans 8:15) and I have a family through God. I’m thankful for everything that I went through, because if I hadn’t gone through those things I wouldn’t have experienced God in the way that I did. Deeper pain requires you to search for God in deeper ways. The abuse made me more resilient. When God wants to use you for a specific purpose he allows you to be crushed so that you are softened to have the heart of the Father and yet toughened so that you will not give in to people or the enemy’s pressure. I’m wiser, I’m a victor, I’m a conqueror and Jesus already warned me and said, “I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world.” (John 16:33). If you have been abused it’s not your place or job to try to figure out why those people abused you. Just forgive them and move on with your life. “Forget former things, do not dwell on the past. I am doing a new thing” (Isaiah 43:18-20). A lot of broken people love to try and fit in, not knowing God has specifically set them apart and marked them for a specific purpose. If people reject you it is God’s doing, don’t fight it.

“We are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed; perplexed, but not in despair; persecuted, but not abandoned; struck down, but not destroyed. We always carry around in our body the death of Jesus, so that the life of Jesus may also be revealed in our body” (2 Corinthians 4:8-10)

TOXIC RELATIONSHIPS

The area of relationships is a serious war zone, especially when you have a specific calling, because the devil knows that once he yokes you with the wrong people there is either serious delay concerning fulfilling your purpose or you are completely detoured from completing it your entire life. Please be very careful of counterfeits (nice only in the beginning, nasty when they have you hooked). A lot of us have a something is better than nothing mentality, so we get booed up with just anybody, because we don’t want to wait on God. However, when you have a specific purpose your life is tied to other people’s lives and destinies, you can’t afford to just date anybody. Your future children are also depending on you making the right choices in your singleness season, they deserve to not be birthed into dysfunction and chaos. When we are wounded, we don’t necessarily make the right choices that are favourable to us, because of our trauma driven beliefs. A lot of people end up with serious regrets over this, later on, which is a breeding ground for depression and hopelessness. However, please forgive yourself and give it all to God so that he can use it. If you just came out of a toxic, abusive relationship, please don’t despair, God wants to use your mistakes, just give it all to him. For those who feel like they wasted a lot of time in relationships with narcissist, especially their “good years”. God is a redeemer of lost time. He works past time & matter, because time is a man made concept. Not only will he bring you the perfect fit for you, he can do it in a very short time. One of my sisters in Christ met her now husband, two weeks after letting go a toxic relationship. In my pit season God taught me so many things about relationships during that process, some of them were : 1. a man is supposed to treat you as the option, not an option 2. relationships are meant to be progressive and produce good fruit not cycles of nothingness – friendship, courtship and then marriage 3. a man is supposed to go out of his way to honour you 4. relationships are only for healed and delivered people who know their purposes and whose purposes also align 5. a man will never know a good thing, if he doesn’t know God 6. if a man doesn’t have good male leadership in his life he is accountable to and not surrounded by any older strong men he answers to, run.

A lot of people think they are above abuse. They don’t understand you are groomed, abusive people always start as the most pleasant people there is. Abuse always start as subtle emotional abuse, which is the hardest type of abuse to pick up, because manipulation is very complex and your mind is in denial for a while and just can’t register and accept that the person who is meant to be intimately loving me, is also abusing me. A lot of abuse survivors are also ashamed to admit they were abused, because they think people will view them as weak, stupid etc. But you just have a big pure heart. If you had dated a mentally stable person, it would never have been taken advantage of. Some people also don’t talk about their experiences, because it would require them to also be transparent about who abused them. Offwhich the abusive person is always nice to everybody and someone everyone doesn’t expect, so there is a possibility of people denying your experience. But God sees all and he is a God of justice, you don’t have to worry about this.

“We rejoice in our sufferings, knowing that suffering produces endurance & endurance produces character & character produces hope & hope does not put us to shame” (Romans 5:3-4)

MY HEALING PROCESS

“I have loved you with an everlasting love” (Jeremiah 31:3)

There are so many practical steps that you can take to heal, however ultimately truth is when you look at the wounds that trauma causes, especially if you experienced deep trauma, from my perspective it is impossible to heal using the wisdom of this world only. Personally it was only God that could heal me. It was only through divine, supernatural healing that completely restored me. Nothing else could have healed me. Patched up wounds cannot suffice. A lot of people have patched up wounds, but they haven’t healed completely. Just, because you put a bandaid on a wound and neglected it doesn’t mean it healed. Wounds need to constantly be nurtured in so many different ways until they have fully healed. When you have childhood wounds you need to seriously deal with the spirit of rejection as well. You need to renounce any agreement you made with this spirit and then seriously pray against it so that it looses it’s hold over your life. You will know you have healed, when you no longer have triggers or constantly ruminate on the past.

• INTIMACY WITH THE HOLY SPIRIT

The Holy Spirit is the greatest comforter and counsellor. When I was going through my healing process, I would go to my secret place and welcome the Holy Spirit and be still, removing all distractions. I would speak to the Holy Spirit and tell him what I had been through that hurt me. I would ask him to bind up my wounds, fill my voids until I’m whole and loose me from the memories of the trauma. When I finished I would close my eyes and wait for him to speak back. A lot of times I would feel his presence so thick. Sometimes he would speak back to me and I would see a vision or a symbol that would comfort me. Sometimes the Holy Spirit would drop a song in my heart and I would sing it and cry. Sometimes I would fall asleep in my secret place, but one thing for certain is that, with each session I had with the Holy Spirit. I would get up from that place feeling better than I was before. The Holy Spirit cares for you and he wants to heal you.

SOAK IN GOD’S LOVE

Receive God’s love. Receiving God’s love is key. A lot of people sing songs about God’s love and tell other people God loves them, but how many of us actually know what it means and believe it? God’s love is described as an ocean, it’s in excess. God actually desires to heal our wounds and take our pain and hurt from us. We should have gone to the cross, but Jesus went for us. Do you know how much love somebody has to have for you, to wish they could take your pain or suffering from you and then actually do it? It doesn’t matter if those people didn’t care enough. This is the best love to experience. Soak in it. God loves us just like his son. There is nothing that you can do that can make him love you less. Please mediate on these verses on God’s love for you day and night. Until you are fully convinced of God’s love for you – Psalm 36:7, 1 John 3:1, 1 John 4:16, Jeremiah 31:3, Jeremiah 29:11, 1 Corinthians 13:4-8, John 3:16, John 15: 9-17, Psalms 86:5, Psalms 86:15, Psalms 136:26, Romans 5:8, Deuteronomy 7:9, Zephaniah 3:17, Ephesians 2: 4-5, 1 Peter 5:6-7, Romans 8: 37-39.

TALK TO FAMILY & FRIENDS

Wounds need to be exposed to heal. Any wound that is hidden the devil will always have a hold on it and use it for his own purposes. Talk about what you went through to your close family and loved ones, because it is a very effective and therapeutic way of release.

GO FOR THERAPY & COUNSELLING

Personally I think this is extremely important, especially Christian therapy and counselling. If you can afford it and have the time, please seek professional help. Talking to your family and friends is very helpful. However therapists and counsellors are trained to specifically deal with trauma in an efficacious way.

SHUT THE MOCKING SPIRIT

God put so much weight in words to the extent where he said life and death was found in the power of words. There are people who released careless words to other people and those people’s spirits were crushed and those people are walking around dead inside. Sometimes these words were said, many years ago. That is why the bible constantly tells us to bridle our tongues and season our words with salt. When we speak to people we just don’t speak to their physical bodies, we also speak to their spirits and souls, the mind can forget, but the soul never forgets. The hurtful words abusers release to people keep on replaying in the people’s subconscious, as a mocking spirit and it persecutes them wherever they go. However, what people said about you or how they treated you has nothing to do with you. Please counteract the words of demons with God’s word. Read affirming words of what God thinks about you and believe the truth in it. Don’t just read it, mediate on it. Meditating on God’s word is important, because it hides the word on your heart. Verses that talk about your self worth in Christ are found in – Isaiah 43:4, Psalms 139:13-15, Luke 12:6-7, Genesis 1:27, Ephesians 1:4-6, Song of Solomon 4:7, Psalm 100:3, Romans 5:8, Psalm 27:10, Proverbs 31:25, 1 Peter 2:9.

BE KIND TO YOURSELF

The enemy loves to threaten our identity through abusive people. In abusive relationships there is silent treatment, belittling, invalidation of feelings or you are completely ignored, gaslighting, domestic violence etc. People who internalize the cruel treatment are taught subconsciously to also not be kind to themselves. When you have lived most of your life being mishandled, your mind will start working against you and accept this as the norm. However, you are precious, please take care of yourself and do things that make you happy. Do not self hate or self reject yourself, by choosing narcissists as friends and lovers.

DO NOT LIVE IN ISOLATION

Trauma survivors tend to live in isolation and this is a pitfall, because when they are alone their minds go into overdrive replaying the traumatic experiences which gives room to the devil. Nomatter how hard it is, there is a reason why God created family, neighbours, a church community etc otherwise if he wanted us to live in isolation. We would have been created on an island of our own. Stay engaged and interact with other people. Do some outdoorsy activities and avoid obsessively reliving the traumatic scenarios alone.

PRAY FOR THOSE WHO ABUSED YOU

The bible instructs us in Luke 6:38 that we should “bless those who curse us and pray for those who mistreat us”. Please ask God to shine his light on the lost people’s paths, so that one day they will experience his love that softens hearts and they will stop the cycle of damaging others. Praying for people that hurt you will help you to release them completely and also help you to grow in Christ. Who doesn’t want a heart just like his?

READ BOOKS ON HEALING

During my healing process, I read a couple of books which were :

Yvonne D Camper – Healing The Wounds

Joshua P. Smith – The Other Side Of Rejection

Dr Faith Wokoma – Healing Your Past

I also listened to a lot of comforting gospel music. I have a long playlist on healing that I compiled however the songs I listened to the most were Eddie James – Breathe, Jonathan McReynolds – Loving Me and Benjamin Dube – Through It All.

CONCLUSION

You intended to harm me, but God intended it all for good. He brought me to this position so I could save the lives of many people” (Genesis 50:20).

God commands us and requires us to forgive. Forgiveness and reconciliation is a must. However, restoration is not a command and not a must. Restoration is possible, however it takes immense work. It also takes a certain level of grace for broken relationships to be restored. We are given different measures of grace by God not everyone is able to restore relationships with abusers. Restoration means to get back what the enemy stole from you. The enemy capitalises on our wounds and when we are wounded, he sends us a lot of counterfeits and problematic people to deepen our wounds, so majority of the time there is nothing to be restored. When you are healed, it takes the leading of the Holy Spirit to discern whether someone’s chapter in your life is over or not. Forgiveness and reconciliation is for everybody, however restoration is only meant to be granted to people that have repented and completely turned away from their sin. You can never completely get rid of blood related relationships so those ones I have realised that the Holy Spirit will always do it’s thing automatically. However any other ones, God will not always restore them, because consequences for our sins, still remain. Personally, I forgave people who hurt me, I reconciled with some of them, I’m willing to reconcile with more. Would I want the relationships restored though? No I wouldn’t. I see those people as my family in Christ and I love them with the love of God. However I want God to do a new thing in my life and bring new people. Moreover the people I used to interact with in my brokenness, now we are in different seasons, on different pages, have different mindsets and on different levels with God. I also chose most of those people merely through the lenses of brokenness and entertained them out of a state of brokenness. So I wish all of them the best, I know those people have their own great destinies in God and I will always remember them in prayer.

If you also don’t choose restoration as a personal choice, make sure it’s coming from a pure heart, not because of bitterness, self righteousness or pride. There are definitely people who will try to force restoration on you though, however please don’t allow this. If someone was temporary and you took note of the lessons they were meant to teach you etc. Holding on to old, stale relationships that had an expiry date is how people end up back in the cycle of fruitless, toxic relationships. When people have no defined purpose for something, they end up abusing it. I have had people say to me they need to be in my life again to “compensate” and make it up to me concerning what they did. However this is not how true forgiveness works. If I truly forgive you and release you, that is enough. I have also had people who claimed they wanted to “take care of me”, however people cannot take care of you, better than God can. It was God who took care of you from the beginning and God who also took care of you, when those people betrayed you, left you, slandered your name etc, so you will be fine without them if their season in your life is over.

God Bless You

One thought on “HEALING THE WOUNDED SOUL FROM CHILDHOOD WOUNDS & NARCISSISTIC ABUSE

  1. This is a very powerful post and I totally agree. When we’re wounded, we are most susceptible of making bad decisions to keep from being alone. I did the same thing when I was young and regretted it later. I married a man I really didn’t love. And I think that because of that one decision, my kids went through things they never should have.

    And that’s on me. But I’ve forgiven myself and I have no doubt that God has forgiven me too. Thank you for this article!

    Liked by 1 person

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